This wasn’t the best month in many respects. I’ve had this regret that I let my family down, and let myself down. Delusion will take you very far, and being in this town- working in this town, I thought I was making progress. I was wrong; I was only a successful part of the machine. I only just now realized how much I compromised my integrity. Lately I’ve been living each day putting up a front and keeping myself going, digging myself into this hole of delusion. People in your life change, money can make things so complicated and success and people only end up betraying you.
I grew up watching movies, and watched as my favorite writers grew. I didn’t know of the corporate world they had to endure in order to succeed. I especially don’t know where these words are coming from, I just sort of decided that I owe it to my work to be an open book.
When things become complicated, you ask yourself if you even want to write anymore on a commercial level, I’ll just write on my own. I’d still be happy. I don’t need all of this if it means negativity, if it means giving up my compassion, if it means people grabbing at you. Ultimately, I just feel like I’m part of a factory.
At the end of the day I know this is just writing and it’s not brain surgery, but this is something that’s important to me. I refuse to compromise and allow my talents to be monetized to the point I don’t even want to be here anymore. If I can’t be myself in this moment, then the journey to Los Angeles would have been a total lie.
There’s a creative spirit that’s been keeping me going for the longest time, and it was only recently that it started to wane. There’s only so long that you can keep going before you have moments of weakness. I’m feeling raw, but I’m in the prime of my life. This feeling, not sadness or depression, but this tendency to pretend, is something I’ve only recently realized I needed to experience completely. I miss the comfort of my mother, my brother, and the way of their world and words.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this, earlier this week a friend of mine was struggling too. I tried o offer whatever words of wisdom I had at my disposal. I came up with:
Mark, you are one of the smartest, most capable people I know. Unfortunately, that’s not always a prerequisite for success in the industry we’ve chosen. There’s talent, persistence, and luck involved and to think we can achieve a high level of success in the few months we’ve been here can only leave us in a sad state of mind. This existential feeling is typical for people who’ve been here as long as we have, but something will find its way to you. Invest in something else to pre-occupy you, but don’t give up on a dream that you’re more than capable of achieving. I’m rooting for you.
I’ve shared on this blog how people have left me this past year over my decision to move, but while people can leave, my talent will never leave me. I love my passion, I love it more than anything else. There was a moment I forgot that, and I was sad because I stifled myself.
I’m very hard on myself, but I don’t think that’s bad. I’m critical and innately damaged and self critical, but those have been strengths in my life.
Love is at the core of who I am. Love in my family, my friends, my work, and every aspect of my life. For awhile I was bogged down by business. I think I just need to be careful what type of business I’m selling, if I’m selling anything other than talent, and anything other than honest writing, I’m in the wrong business. I don’t want to give anybody the ability to change me, and to let their feelings dictate my ability to say no. My talent matters more to me than the money does. I would go back home tomorrow if it meant I had to sell my soul to this business. I’m not selling out. I’m not making a deal with the devil.
I guess from now on I’m going to have to go about things my own way. I’ve always liked shaking things up, and I guess how I enter this industry is going to be a testament to that. It’s about time I get a movement started.